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How can you successfully meet the challenge? I have a FREE cheatsheet for you to help put these ideas into practice! Click the button below to get it right now.

First and foremost, a sub is not a doormat. They want someone who truly desires to be owned. Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords. If you are a sub, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone.

True submission has to be earned first. There are many bad Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms. The definition of a submissive is an obedient, compliant person who likes to give up control.

They crave being used and need to serve. A submissive can take on many different roles such as:. They strive to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually.

This means that they may have to give up some of their own personal freedoms and preferences. It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality.

They are obedient, and accept discipline when needed. Subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.

It can be hard to work on behavior modification and serving someone else when you are tired and pressed for time.

One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom. They should also try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary they should take it willingly.

Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset. They are property owned by someone else, and as such they are a representation of their Dom.

This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies. Ways they can do this are:.

True submission is not just a role, it is a way of life. Being a submissive means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.

Thanks for visiting the site! There are lots of online and offline BDSM communities you could check out. I list some of my favorite places in Dom Sub Training , and give my step-by-step tips to find a partner.

My Dom found me on a dating site. So was not expecting it. But now I know, he was what I had needed. So thankful that I did not swipe left! Would have missed out on an amazing opportunity!

Hi Barbara! I know it can be hard to find a Dom. Take care! I feel more fulfilled seeing him so pleased with me when I do a good job.

Hello, I was wondering how to became a better sub with detail. So how does it work being who I am along with being a good sub.

Hi Mallory! Be sure to download the free guide above fore more details about how to become a better sub.

Thanks for this info. As a sub I struggle with being a sub outside of the bedroom. Thank you so much for reading! It can be hard to take the submissive personality out of the bedroom and into everyday life.

You can still be a confident, independent, and strong individual and still be a sub. Just remember: you are not weak. You are the one choosing this lifestyle for yourself.

Your submission is a gift that only you have the power to give. If being completely subservient feels too scary at first, start small.

Work on keeping your words and demeanor respectful to your Master. Give hime the opportunity to make choices for you.

It will get easier with time, and soon you will begin to crave more and more. I hope this helps, and thanks again for stopping by! Hi Alora!

Thank you for visiting! Georgia, I too struggle with this. It was easier to be a sub when I was not so confident and independent.

I do it to feel owned because it fills a hole in my life, to feel someone depends on me entirely for their pleasure because I feel whole when I please someone.

I really enjoyed reading this. I was out of the life style for awhile but then met a man with similar desires and much knowledge.

I am finding it hard to go back to the role while we are apart but as with anything I know this takes time to accomplish.

Thank you for this article.. Angie, Thank you so much for your comment! So I have been with my master for six years. I used to love it but since I had out little girl in August of last year the desire has plummeted.

My master wants consistency which is understandable but I find it hard to juggle it all. I would suggest that you consider arranging such a weekend.

You go into your roles, let him get back into his comfortably, and then humbly ask to talk to him. If he does agree, offer future weekends of this nature.

Promise to be the best sub you can be, and then follow through. Also offer to submit anytime the parental role can be set aside for a few hours.

You will have to work out how to communicate this opportunity and how to accept it. Your skills as a loving sub will be heavily taxed.

If you pull it off, the rewards will have been worth the effort. Do you have any advice? Thanks in advanced! Hi Meghan! The above article and cheat sheet can help you get into the mindset and help you focus on your new identity.

If you want to progress more you can find a partner to start enjoying the lifestyle more fully. I have tips plus step-by-step guides in my structured training program, Dom Sub Training.

It can help you find a genuine partner and make BDSM a way of life. I have one comment to the other female subs who are worried about losing their strong, independent personality, and that is to know that the sub is the one with the control in these relationships.

So although you are doing anything your Dom asks of you within your limits and your goal is to make him happy, you get to determine what your limits are and then let him surprise you from there and satisfy your needs too!

Thank you for your kind advice for other subs. I realize this is a personal decision but the few friends she has trusted enough to tell them who and what she is …seem to snub her.

The worse part is she is an ex-mormon and with children.. Thanks for the listen. Thank you so much for your insight as a Dom.

Power exchange is consensual and in reality, it is the submissive that has the underlying control during the relationship exchange.

The terms top and bottom are used as verbs or nouns to describe the physical play of SM but with less of a focus of the "sadist" and "masochist" part of the activity.

They can be used as synonyms for dominant and submissive. It can also be used to describe a club where these activities take place.

It can also be a place to practice kinks safely and learn how to carry out activities and play. The term dungeon monitors is used as a description of well-trusted BDSM members that volunteer to monitor dungeons and look out for infractions, distress, or any other form of misconduct or non-consent.

The term flogger is used to describe a tool or whip used in sexual scenes. The action of flogging refers to impact play.

Usually made of leather with a hard handle and multiple long flat strands attached. The term can also be used to describe the person holding the specialized whip.

It was popularized in internet chatrooms, to make it easier to identify the orientation of the writer or the person being written about. Also, some submissives eschew personal pronouns, instead referring to themselves as "this slave" or "Master Bob's girl".

This is sometimes considered an expression of modesty, but it is an entirely optional method of depersonalizing a submissive during "play".

It may have roots in the military , where new recruits are required to refer to themselves as "this recruit", rather than "I" or "me".

Relationships may be monogamous or polyamorous. Fantasy role play can be an element, with partners taking classic dominant or submissive roles, or classic authority-figure roles such as teacher and student, police officer and suspect, or parent and child.

These variations may include:. Some examples are:. Consent is a vital element in all psychological play, and consent can be granted in many ways.

Some employ a written form known as a "Dungeon negotiation form", for others a simple verbal commitment is sufficient.

There are many versions of consent but mainly it is the knowledge between the partnership of who plays the dominant role and who plays the submissive.

As well as the fact that all erotic experiences are performed in a safe, legal, and consensual practice as well as benefiting both parties.

Surface consent has been defined as a simple yes or no. Negotiation in terms of the sexual scenes is required to ensure that the BDSM play is enjoyable and safe for both parties involved.

The discussion of what activities are available and the mutual definition of the play is the only way both the dominant and submissive will be able to comfortably perform.

Safewords are verbal codes both partners can recognize as the end or altering of activities done in a BDSM scene. It is an important asset to continue the consent through the relationship and scene itself.

All of it ensures a safe space where both participants are able to enjoy the sexual play. The BDSM community takes consent very seriously and promotes safe play.

They also provide public playrooms with dungeon monitors to make sure the rules are kept and followed. Although they take all the precautions to the events, coercion and sexual assault still occur inside and outside the community.

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom NCSF is an educational organization that is driven to propose positive and safe sex that was founded in That being said just because someone participates in a dominant and submissive relationship does not mean they will eventually be sexually assaulted or coerced.

Consensual non-consensuality is a mutual agreement to act as if consent has been waived within safe, sane limits. It is an agreement that consent is given in advance, sometimes without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned, though within defined limits subject to a safeword, reasonable care, common sense, or other restrictions.

The consent is given with the intent of its being irrevocable under normal circumstances. As such, it is a show of extreme trust and understanding and is usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well, or otherwise agree to set clear, safe limits on their activities.

It is not unusual to grant consent only for an hour or for an evening. When a scene lasts for more than a few hours, it is common to draft a "scene contract" that defines what will happen and who is responsible for what.

It is a good way to work out what all the parties want and usually improves the experience. Some contracts can become quite detailed and run for many pages, especially if a scene is to last a weekend or more.

For long term consent, a "slave contract" may be drawn up. BDSM "contracts" are only an agreement between consenting people and are usually not legally binding; in fact, the possession of one may be considered illegal in some areas.

Some ceremonies become quite elaborate, and can be as involved as a wedding or any similar ritual. The same advertisements did well in the United States where men are raised to be more muscular and masculine.

If you are looking for a submissive woman, one place to start is with her culture. Many women raised in the West are not taught to be submissive.

They are raised to be equals and to take on leadership roles. If you want to meet and date a submissive woman, then you need to find a culture where those traits are valued among women.

In many Asian societies, women are given submissive roles. In China and Taiwan, you find men dominating leadership roles—even when those roles are at jobs traditionally dominated by women such as teaching.

In Japan, women are expected to have a family and care for their spouse while the husband provides for the family financially.

If you are looking for submissive women, start by looking for women from a culture or background where those traits are prized among females. Another thing you should consider is the type of woman who matches your personality traits.

If you are terrible at cooking or managing a checkbook, you need a partner who can do these things. To do this, you have to be extremely self-aware.

Too many people are over-confident about their abilities. They think that they can do anything without realizing that they have weaknesses just like everyone else.

Once you know and accept your weaknesses, your goal is to find a mate who is capable in the areas that you are not. If you complement each other well, then you can enjoy a healthy, happy relationship within a positive home.

One of the biggest reasons why men look for submissive girls is a lack of self-confidence. Whether they admit it or not, they are insecure in their personality, intelligence, physique or other areas of their life.

They want a submissive girl because it makes them feel better about themselves. If the girl is not as smart or personable, the guy feels like he actually has a self-worth.

It is one thing the want a submissive partner if you are truly more dominant and assertive. It is an entirely another thing to let your insecurities and lack of self-esteem dictate who you are with.

At best, this will just be a band-aid that you use to assuage your own self-worth and put off the real issue of whether you are actually a worthy individual.

In general, submissive people are attracted to someone who seems like a leader. In the same way that hiking enthusiasts tend to date other outdoor lovers, a submissive person is drawn to someone who is dominant.

If you are not a natural leader, you will never get a submissive partner. Instead, you will end up drawing in people who will want to dominate you and have you as the submissive partner.

You can still be a confident, independent, and strong individual and still be a sub. Just remember: you are not weak. You are the one choosing this lifestyle for yourself.

Your submission is a gift that only you have the power to give. If being completely subservient feels too scary at first, start small.

Work on keeping your words and demeanor respectful to your Master. Give hime the opportunity to make choices for you. It will get easier with time, and soon you will begin to crave more and more.

I hope this helps, and thanks again for stopping by! Hi Alora! Thank you for visiting! Georgia, I too struggle with this.

It was easier to be a sub when I was not so confident and independent. I do it to feel owned because it fills a hole in my life, to feel someone depends on me entirely for their pleasure because I feel whole when I please someone.

I really enjoyed reading this. I was out of the life style for awhile but then met a man with similar desires and much knowledge. I am finding it hard to go back to the role while we are apart but as with anything I know this takes time to accomplish.

Thank you for this article.. Angie, Thank you so much for your comment! So I have been with my master for six years.

I used to love it but since I had out little girl in August of last year the desire has plummeted. My master wants consistency which is understandable but I find it hard to juggle it all.

I would suggest that you consider arranging such a weekend. You go into your roles, let him get back into his comfortably, and then humbly ask to talk to him.

If he does agree, offer future weekends of this nature. Promise to be the best sub you can be, and then follow through. Also offer to submit anytime the parental role can be set aside for a few hours.

You will have to work out how to communicate this opportunity and how to accept it. Your skills as a loving sub will be heavily taxed.

If you pull it off, the rewards will have been worth the effort. Do you have any advice? Thanks in advanced! Hi Meghan! The above article and cheat sheet can help you get into the mindset and help you focus on your new identity.

If you want to progress more you can find a partner to start enjoying the lifestyle more fully. I have tips plus step-by-step guides in my structured training program, Dom Sub Training.

It can help you find a genuine partner and make BDSM a way of life. I have one comment to the other female subs who are worried about losing their strong, independent personality, and that is to know that the sub is the one with the control in these relationships.

So although you are doing anything your Dom asks of you within your limits and your goal is to make him happy, you get to determine what your limits are and then let him surprise you from there and satisfy your needs too!

Thank you for your kind advice for other subs. I realize this is a personal decision but the few friends she has trusted enough to tell them who and what she is …seem to snub her.

The worse part is she is an ex-mormon and with children.. Thanks for the listen. Thank you so much for your insight as a Dom.

Hopefully there will be more acceptance of the lifestyle someday. A sub should always feel comfortable being able to talk to the dom. Exactly, Kevin!

As long as it is done respectfully, a sub should always feel comfortable talking to their Dom. I am so happy to find you and your blog.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I want to be a good sub. And I am new to this. Be sure to check out this article to help you!

So happy to find you and this blog. Great info! I am a new sub and an older sub…just discovering the real me!

My Dom is new as well. I want to please him all the time, but he has a stressful job and sometimes like to lash out at me and says hurtful things.

Hi Stacy. Topping from the Bottom is an issue you can read about here. A good Dom would understand that. Topping from the bottom is different than speaking up because someone is hurting you.

A good dom is there to better you and please you, not abuse you. A good dom is also humble, generous and kind, wants to know how you feel so he can make you happy, and allows you express yourself without getting emotional.

Hope you can express yourself and he strives to become a better dom, good luck! One of my biggest problems is that I do not like the word no and have trouble obeying when told no.

I have the wanting to please and be owned by master qualities but I struggle with giving up complete control as I have always been a control freak which is one of the many reasons my Master and I choose this lifestyle is to help me give up control.

Hi Cristina! I completely understand that it can be hard to give up control. You can read the tips for topping from the bottom to help you.

Being comfortable with giving up control will take some time, so try to be patient and focus on how being obedient benefits you and your relationship.

I am not a sub…yet…I would like to…. Sure, Stacey! Make sure you figure out first WHY you want to be a submissive, and what you hope to get out of it.

Take it very slow, and remember to have fun! Please help me as clarity. Would being used sexually be the acts of a slave? Would something like that be considered for a little?

I know it all depends on the contract and understanding. Hi Danie! Both slaves and littles can be used sexually. Have fun!

Unlike most of the previous replies, i am male with a female dom. She is so special, funny, caring, sexy yet tough and demanding. The intimacy and trust levels we achieve thru her bdsm domination of me are incredible.

Unfortunately we live some distance apart, but when we do get together the connection is electric. I am constantly thinking ways to try and please her and show my loyalty.

I respect her and dont want to appear a pest by texting and calling all the time. Thanks for your comment, Bill!

A lot of subs feel that way, Erin. The best way to get over being self-conscious is to remember that your 1 job is to focus on your Dom, and not yourself.

You can even have a mantra to repeat when you feel your self-esteem dropping. Hello, I recently started being a sub.

And I have to tell you that…. I thought that I was the only one who loved this way of life. Thanks for this article it is really helpful!!

I have to continually try and anticipate what would please him, which is exhausting and I end up being a brat which only gets me spankings.

Can you give any suggestions that would help me, help him to carry over his dominance into our vanilla aspects of the relationship? He is very willing to learn and grow but I do not want to force him, I love when he is and explores his dominance over me and wish so much that he would break out of the mindset that he is being a jerk for demands or punishment tasks.

Guys especially sometimes need things spelled out for them and lots of examples. You can also share this article about rituals with him.

Being a Dom and assigning and enforcing tasks is a lot of work. He may say he wants to learn and try but a Dom has to be self-motivated and take the lead.

He may just like the kinky sex, and being a lifestyle Dom may not be for him. Thanks so much. I read another few articles and the one you mentioned.

I took it upon myself to start a journal that He can read at will. I actually wrote my first entry and have to say it is so much easier to write about these things than to have discussions.

Maybe there is a happy medium somewhere and this journal is the start of something wonderful. Thanks for the advice Kinky Abby, I really appreciate it.

Thank you for all your amazing articles! Hi Lunaa! Remember to stay in the moment. Worrying about the future will not help you to serve your Dom.

And be kind to yourself! I adore to be sodomised by men while people watch. I am not attracted to men in the slightest..

I like your blog.. Knowing our likes and dislikes is the most important thing. You can read more about it here. Im struggleing to know exactly how to be the best sub.

We have a 13 yr old daughter who is never away from us and time alone to cummacate is scarce. Can you help me?? Struggling to be a good sub while dealing with teenage children can be frustrating.

I am new to being a sub I have always had it in me but it just took the right man to bring it out of me. Hi Peaches!

Be sure to download the cheat sheet above, and you can also check out this article. I was in what I thought was a submissive role in my past but now I see was being abused.

I have since been talking with a Master and I am struggling with His written assignments. We have not met yet. Master says I am giving text book answers and not from my own heart.

He wants me in position humble and to describe my thoughts with questions He specifically asks. Like how i feel spiritually, emotionally, sexually, physically and mentally about me being his slave.

He made it clear that any punishment I would give to myself and He would decide what counted. I am new to the lifestyle and finally found a real Dom.

He is a Daddy and we are going by the book so to speak because of my inexperience. It is usually a negotiated lifestyle, with people discussing their wishes, limits , and needs in order to find commonality.

Most adherents search for the essential intensity, trust, and intimacy that are required to make any deep relationship possible.

BDSM is the sexual practices of bondage and torture, dominant and submissive, as well as sadomasochism. In addition to "dominant" and "submissive", a "switch" is a person who can take either role.

Most of the time in sexual relationships like this there is some sort of power exchange through their physical interaction.

In contrast, the terms top and bottom refer to the active agent and passive patient roles, respectively. In a given scene, there is no requirement that the dominant also be the top, or that the submissive be the bottom, although this is often the case.

The term vanilla refers to normative "non- kinky " sex and relationships, the vanilla world being mainstream society outside of the BDSM subculture.

The term comes from vanilla ice cream being considered the "default" flavor. Power exchange is consensual and in reality, it is the submissive that has the underlying control during the relationship exchange.

The terms top and bottom are used as verbs or nouns to describe the physical play of SM but with less of a focus of the "sadist" and "masochist" part of the activity.

They can be used as synonyms for dominant and submissive. It can also be used to describe a club where these activities take place.

It can also be a place to practice kinks safely and learn how to carry out activities and play. The term dungeon monitors is used as a description of well-trusted BDSM members that volunteer to monitor dungeons and look out for infractions, distress, or any other form of misconduct or non-consent.

The term flogger is used to describe a tool or whip used in sexual scenes. The action of flogging refers to impact play. Usually made of leather with a hard handle and multiple long flat strands attached.

The term can also be used to describe the person holding the specialized whip. It was popularized in internet chatrooms, to make it easier to identify the orientation of the writer or the person being written about.

Also, some submissives eschew personal pronouns, instead referring to themselves as "this slave" or "Master Bob's girl". This is sometimes considered an expression of modesty, but it is an entirely optional method of depersonalizing a submissive during "play".

It may have roots in the military , where new recruits are required to refer to themselves as "this recruit", rather than "I" or "me".

Relationships may be monogamous or polyamorous. Fantasy role play can be an element, with partners taking classic dominant or submissive roles, or classic authority-figure roles such as teacher and student, police officer and suspect, or parent and child.

These variations may include:. Some examples are:. Consent is a vital element in all psychological play, and consent can be granted in many ways.

Some employ a written form known as a "Dungeon negotiation form", for others a simple verbal commitment is sufficient.

There are many versions of consent but mainly it is the knowledge between the partnership of who plays the dominant role and who plays the submissive.

As well as the fact that all erotic experiences are performed in a safe, legal, and consensual practice as well as benefiting both parties.

Surface consent has been defined as a simple yes or no. Negotiation in terms of the sexual scenes is required to ensure that the BDSM play is enjoyable and safe for both parties involved.

The discussion of what activities are available and the mutual definition of the play is the only way both the dominant and submissive will be able to comfortably perform.

Safewords are verbal codes both partners can recognize as the end or altering of activities done in a BDSM scene.

It is an important asset to continue the consent through the relationship and scene itself. All of it ensures a safe space where both participants are able to enjoy the sexual play.

The BDSM community takes consent very seriously and promotes safe play. They also provide public playrooms with dungeon monitors to make sure the rules are kept and followed.

Although they take all the precautions to the events, coercion and sexual assault still occur inside and outside the community. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom NCSF is an educational organization that is driven to propose positive and safe sex that was founded in That being said just because someone participates in a dominant and submissive relationship does not mean they will eventually be sexually assaulted or coerced.

Consensual non-consensuality is a mutual agreement to act as if consent has been waived within safe, sane limits. It is an agreement that consent is given in advance, sometimes without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned, though within defined limits subject to a safeword, reasonable care, common sense, or other restrictions.

The consent is given with the intent of its being irrevocable under normal circumstances. As such, it is a show of extreme trust and understanding and is usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well, or otherwise agree to set clear, safe limits on their activities.

It is not unusual to grant consent only for an hour or for an evening. When a scene lasts for more than a few hours, it is common to draft a "scene contract" that defines what will happen and who is responsible for what.

It is a good way to work out what all the parties want and usually improves the experience. Some contracts can become quite detailed and run for many pages, especially if a scene is to last a weekend or more.

For long term consent, a "slave contract" may be drawn up. BDSM "contracts" are only an agreement between consenting people and are usually not legally binding; in fact, the possession of one may be considered illegal in some areas.

Some ceremonies become quite elaborate, and can be as involved as a wedding or any similar ritual. Some people maintain a special room or area, called a dungeon or playroom, that contains special equipment, such as shackles , handcuffs , whips , queening stools , and spanking benches or a Berkley horse , for example, used for play scenes, or they may visit a BDSM club that maintains such facilities.

Many submissives in a submissive relationship wear a collar to indicate their submissive status and commitment.

It can be much like a wedding band, except that only the submissive partner wears one. The traditional collar is a neck band in leather or metal, chosen, designed, and even crafted by the dominant partner.

Some subs may wear a "symbolic collar", often a bracelet or ankle chain, which is more subdued than the traditional collar and can pass in non-BDSM situations.

It is not uncommon for a sub to have several collars for special occasions. Many people—for example, some in the punk rock and goth subcultures —wear collars for other reasons, such as fashion.

So, one cannot assume that all people wearing collars are involved in BDSM. Members of the furry fandom may also wear collars as a part of costuming or as fashion.

Use of collars in the sexual aspects of furry lifestyle may or may not be connected to BDSM, depending on the individual's preferences.

One of the most famous works in this area is Leopold von Sacher-Masoch 's Venus im Pelz Venus in Furs , , in which the protagonist, Severin, persuades a woman, Wanda, to take him on as her slave, serves her, and allows her to degrade him.

The book has elements of both social and physical submission, and is the genesis of the term "masochism" coined by the 19th-century psychiatrist Krafft-Ebing.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

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